4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
youre lurking in front of me
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
