I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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