did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize