seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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