I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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