She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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