I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
