Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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