Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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