Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
