I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
