I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
