I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i drank out of a bidet.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
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