she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just high enough for therapy.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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