so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize