did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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