if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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