All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
