i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
