yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
