He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize