I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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