I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize