You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
