Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
