I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
