dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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