My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
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