Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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