3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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