I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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