I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
