a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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