I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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