I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
