he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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