party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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