New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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