What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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