Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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