I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
