i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
