She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize