yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
