Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
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