I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
