The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
