once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
