I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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