the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
