my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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