we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
