Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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