We're facebook friends in real life
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
