I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize