my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize