Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
