He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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