And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize