Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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